suspicious

i don't trust people's intentions. sometimes.
most of the time who they say they are and who they turn out to be are two different people.
maybe it's not all their fault. it's just that their perception is completely skewed as to reality. as to their own identities and traits. or they're blinded by self-absorption.
i'm quick to give my heart over, but then i slowly take it back as momentum slows and doubt seeps in.
making friends here has proven impossible.
before people would tell me that LA is fake and so is everyone living there.
i thought that was cynical. that there were good people everywhere you went.
i'm sure there are good people here. i just haven't found many. and my hope is petering out with time.
my best friend here, besides the boys, is Jenn, and we don't even see each other very often with our conflicting schedules. she's leaving in August for NYC. I'm thrilled for her, but selfishly, i can't help but think, who will be here for me then. maybe no one at all.
i don't think i can make more friends like the ones so close to me from high school and college. they live so far away, practically in another universe sometimes. when we're together again it's like we were never apart. they are family coarsing through my blood.
no one seems willing to be close and trusting. to share and to be and to just sit and think with you. i miss that. adult relationships require a once every 2 weeks meet-up, perhaps an email in between those dates, and that's about it. i miss the days spent enjoying each others company, learning from one another, not a rushed lunch and laundary list of what's happened since we last talked.
i've always made friends easily, my friend R calls me choosy about my friends, though, which is true. i am picky.
i only want the good ones. i want to find the good ones.
sometimes i wonder why i don't pack up and go live near the people i love, well the majority of them. most days, i'm not sure what i'm doing here. and even after i ask myself, i don't know how to respond.
being with those you love--isn't that what matters? loving and being loved?
yes it matters. very much so. but so does learning and experiencing and being wild.
i'm too stubborn to leave. there's more here for me. i'm not waiting for it.
i'll just keep on keeping on. being who i am. not holding back. unleashing it all. something's bound to come of it.

creatively there's a torrent pressing. it's been building up for some time now and i'm brimming with it. i don't know where it'll go yet, how i will focus it down. maybe another short story, another novella, another novel. It's too much for this screenplay. Much bigger and voracious. there will be a place for it. if it sits too long, it stews depression and angst. it's just about ripe. i will be ready for it this time. i will be ready when it is ready for me.