last day

It's the last day of Maui and the last day to finish the second draft of the script.
Then one more revision to go.
I'm red brown. Brown with red overtones. The red should fade in a day or two.
I've been to the beach every day. In the ocean water. Cleansing my energy and relaxing and reading and wishing for sleepy far off dreams to be at my door. But, it's the other way around really. I have to be at their door. and work my bum off to get there. i never did mind working hard. it feels better that way. like i deserve it, instead of waiting for something bad to take it away.
on the beach my mother said, wouldn't it be terrible if a huge tidal wave came and swept us away. it's one of her biggest fears, but what a block to enjoying the beauty. it's a sabotage we play with ourselves. too happy, too much fun or beauty, and we swing it into the negative somehow.
I feel ill. It's having to go back.
To keep making the grown-up, informed decisions.
I miss the easy half-assed ones of childhood and high school. The life on training wheels in college.
It is that alone-ness. No one can wholly advise you. Say with certainty, this is exactly what you should do. This is the next step for you. And if you make a mistake, it is only you who is to blame and who must remedy it, if it can be remedied.
I think mistakes are my problem. I think i need to be reckless and irresponsible. I always do the right thing, but it isn't always right for me. Maybe it's right for everyone but me, or maybe it's just the thing that makes the most sense. But the best choices for ourselves aren't always the most logical.
Sow my wild oats as my parents are always saying. Take more risks. Be less level-headed.
I'm a roamer, an explorer. I won't be tied.