baileys is good on ice and in my mouth

blah blahblah wasting time and drinking baileys on ice while N reads what i wrote on the script today and then michael clayton comes on. kinda tipsy should eat something. abanana a banana no abanana is better and an egg a peanutbutter asomethingsomething i will sit with my mouth open on the lanai and wait for something to fall in. mahalo nature and the way of the world. the birds are agressive-i did it to myself, i gave them a peanut and they flocked and wanted food more of it and more always wanting, and i said No like i was talking to an unruly dog an dmy aunt laughed, and it didn't work very well, but i kept doing it, because what else can you do but stand your ground, you nasty pigeon, you really ought to let that sparrow eat once in a while. you know what i mean i say. di dyou know you can't control your feelings. at least i can't. a dangerous thing. very dangerous. and boundaries. i'm not good with those. the difference between this and that and this emotion and that emotion, it all bleeds together. i'm sure there'll be more on that. more and more until i learn it. but i don't want to learn it i just want to live and feel it all, good an dbad, not be scared though, not shy away from the bad things that make the good things better andsome of th ebest things are good and bad together- the most heightened of both all rolled into one sloppy mess. i'm good with the sloppy messes. did you know that som ebelieve that we spend our twenties creating drama and making messes of our lives. but you know what, i don tknow what, but i do that, becaus ei'm hunting fo rsomething deeper and it can be a dirty thing, a tiring thing, and some people aren't up for it. and i don't even know what i'm looking for. ever really. or where to look for it. i'm just looking around. checking it out. exploring. and living and making it worth it. i'm here, i feel lucky for my 24 years and i'm trying t omake every moment count. the baileys is watered down, my parents hate deal or no deal so do i, it is the dumbest thing ever conceived, who cares, it is a game of greed, what's the challenge in that, be a greedy asshole and keep wanting more and more of money that will not improve your life or make you happier not really not in the long run, as if happiness were measurable. and that is a strange thing, that you can't compare it either or know what this person's happiness is compared to yours or his or hers or that little guy's over there. Oh who cares. i am always comparin gthings, this person and that little lady to me, as if it tells me that i'm right or wrong or not ahead or far behind and not worthy of all the fine things, as if life were a game. oh how very dumb of me. and only me am i hard on. there is a saying and it says how do you make god laugh.
Make plans.