as if writing it all down means anything

Monday.

Moan.

This time next week I'll be on the beach reading and sunbathing in Maui. And swimming in the warm water and breathing the beauty. Hawaii has a perfume to it, the tropical floral aromas hang in the moist, thick air. Saturday to Saturday. As long as my plane doesn't twirl out of the sky.

I had too much fun this weekend. It smarts getting back to the day to day muck.

What a terrible way to "live" life always looking forward to something else and not making the most of what's around you. Putting the best days ahead of you, with the expectations and stipulations of future plans and hopes. Same as putting them behind you, as if you've already died a thousand times since that time.

Enough of that. I've never been one to look back and long. My memory is too terrible maybe. I don't remember things long enough to be mad at anyone or say the Remember whens or even to rub something in someone's face from the past. The past eludes me and I don't think it's anymore clear to me now than it was to me before it happened. In a way, the past is a fiction. We tell ourselves this and that happened, as if we are a reliable, unbiased source. Time is a water mark on a newspaper. Blurring the words and soaking the paper into pulp. There's not much truth in the past or in the future. It's all too muddled to read.

I don't know why I'm even writing about it. Nothing ties me to the past. In large part because I grew up around someone who was desperately, still desperately clings to a memory. I was tied to the future. But that too is just a water mark. If we did tell ourselves, and we often do, that once i'm here and i have this, and i've done this, and this is what i can say about myself, i will be completely happy. That is the lie. Maybe the biggest hoax on earth. That happiness is always outside ourselves in a goal met, in an accomplishment achieved, in an acquired item. That makes me laugh. It is much simpler than that. It is in us.

If we wait for it, it will never come for longer than a visiting second and dissipate as soon as it's recognized.

These are some things I remind myself of.